viscous, 2018

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had problems with my relationships with people. Nothing ever seemed right in my head. Either they were on my side or they were completely against me. It was like I was stepping on my own eggshells. No matter what I did, it seemed like everyone hated me or didn’t care enough to show me that they didn’t. Of course, that wasn’t really true. It was all just in my head, but that didn’t stop me from hating them back. I wouldn’t talk to them until they talked to me; sometimes, I couldn’t even look at them. 

Despite that, no matter how much I resented people sometimes, my love for people was just as strong and intense. I could hate someone one second and give my whole life to them in the next just for acknowledging my presence. A few years later, I found out that there was a term for what I was doing -- “splitting”. It’s basically a defense mechanism that causes people like me to view others in all or nothing terms. 

I wanted to create a performance art piece about it to show people what I’ve had to go through. My concept for the piece actually changed multiple times as I was coming up with it. Originally, it was supposed to be about abusive relationships and how quickly abusers behave differently in front of their partners. Sometimes, they’re loving and caring, but other times they’re very violent and scary. This is similar to how I behave when I split on people, although it’s much less intense and aggressive. I didn’t want to follow through with the first concept though because I haven’t dealt with a lot of physical or domestic abuse in my life. I wanted to focus more on something that has affected me a lot and that I knew enough about to make it into an art piece. 

Throughout the performance, I wanted to express both the good and the bad side, the loving aspects and the uncomfortable. I wanted the audience to feel like they were in a different atmosphere, like they were in my world. I wanted a space that allowed them to use their senses so that they were immersed in the experience. For the loving aspect, I wanted there to be calming and tranquil imagery with similar music playing in the background. The uncomfortable side was to be the complete opposite, playing something that would make the audience feel uneasy and afraid. I decided later on that I didn’t want any imagery for that side so that the sudden change in music would be more unsettling. Using a projector made it more effective because once the uncomfortable music came on, the whole room became dark. 

I also wanted to make it an interactive performance because the whole concept behind the piece has to do with my interactions with people. I knew that for the loving side of it I wanted to dance with the people in the audience because that’s one of the most intimate things you can do with a person. Although, I had no idea what I was going to do for the uncomfortable side. In the beginning, I wanted to smash things like glass bottles or plates, but that seemed too aggressive and I didn’t want to put anyone in danger. I realised that that idea fit more with the abuse concept than the splitting. I wanted my movements to be more consistent with the dancing. I decided that I could collapse on the floor and move my body around in a way that made it look like I was seizing. Doing this in addition to the music and the dark room would make everything seem more unsettling. I wanted my movements to be more abstract and not necessarily the ways I interact with people when I do split.

In addition, I figured I should have it go back and forth between the loving side and the uncomfortable side because it’s consistent with the way I can go from loving someone to hating them and then loving them again, etc. 

I also took into consideration what I was going to wear. I didn’t want to show my face because I wanted there to be an anonymity to it so that the people in the audience wouldn’t be able to understand my personality through the expressions on my face or the way I dress. I decided to wear a morph suit in a color that was universal so that it didn’t distract from the other aspects of the piece. 

In order for the performance to be more immersive, I wanted the audience to be able to use their senses. In addition to the imagery being projected onto the wall and the music playing in the background, I decided to pour maple syrup all over the floor so that the audience could both smell it and feel it on their feet. I wanted to use honey, but that was a lot more expensive to get in bulk than syrup. I wanted some sort of viscous liquid that smells sweet, something that was gross to step on but also smells and tastes nice. This ties into the concept by having something positive and negative to interact with the positive and negative aspects of the piece. 

Overall, I wanted to create an atmosphere that allowed people to understand what’s going on in my head in an abstract way. I wanted to interact with the audience and have them interact with me and the space. The different materials, audio and visual aspects, and movements I created with my body was meant to express my experiences with splitting and other problems I’ve faced in the relationships I’ve had with people. 

I wanted the audience to feel emotions as intense as I do. As the peaceful music is playing and I’m dancing with them, I wanted them to feel happy and carefree, as I feel when I love someone. But when the uncomfortable music starts playing and I start seizing, I wanted them to feel uneasy and maybe even scared. I wanted there to be an extreme shift from a positive emotion to a negative one, just as I feel when I am splitting on someone. 

Indelible, 2018