A Moment Drenched in Stillness
The sun beamed onto the littered streets of the busy neighborhood. The uproar of childhood screams of laughter echoed around the block.
I wore a smile on my face, unseen underneath the cloth barrier that hindered my ability to be a threat to everyone around me. The fabric wall separated my expression from the outside world, thus, my emotions. This comforted me at times, thinking about how a simple act could hide so many secrets.
I sauntered along the stretched sidewalk with a strut posed with faithful confidence - an attempt at self-love. With my eyebrows rested and eyes focused, I wondered about how the rest of my day would unfold.
I was annoyed about the trip home. It was still that I could never be. The ache of boredom clouded my mind, and I saw myself on the train more than eager for my arrival.
There was hesitation again, for I feared the strain of waiting. I was a long way from home - a place that I’ve known for most of my life. The city was a far cry from it, yet despite it all, I could finally breathe.
I had friends of friends who preferred a soft place to lay instead of their own bed on certain nights. I felt lucky to have my friends; they didn't mind my company.
Neither did my boyfriend or his family. Yet, I always convince myself not to overstay my welcome and once again fall into delusion.
There was a time when all I wanted was to feel nothing. People say to stay away from the things that hurt you, but the pain felt so much worse. I ached just to be my bones, but instead wavered in a land between time and space.
For the past three years, I stumbled over societal expectations and a string of impulsive decisions. It was hard to believe in myself when I was sober. I’d prefer to see the world.
And then, I saw myself in him. Even after all this time, my heart still races to the sound of his name; the love in his laughter; the sight of his face.
Goodbye felt like forever until I would see him again the next day. Weary about the distance - a moment drenched in stillness.
